Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...
-Carl Zwanzig
I feel like duct tape should be issued out to any employees who have to work with children.
Teaching swim lessons, the kids want to wander off by themselves and drown. Not possible when they're duct taped into a lifejacket!
In a classroom, little Billy wants to throw a spit wad at poor Suzy. But he can't with his hands duct taped to his desk!
And on the school bus, every single one of those little heathens wants to stand up and turn around and lean over the seats. Well, they can't do that when they're duct taped to their seats!
Yes. It was one of those days at work. I woke up with a swollen throat, so yelling at children was not something I wanted to be doing. In the days leading up to vacation, kids are 8 billion times more excited. Imagine how thrilled I was to drive 50 excited little brats around.
Don't get me wrong- I usually like them well enough. I'm not going to lie and say I love children, because I don't. I tolerate them. They're even cute and amusing at times. But when they're hyped up about Christmas and their teachers are pumping them full of cookies before so cruelly sending them out to my bus, I hate those little brats. And for some reason, they like to hug me. Especially when they just got back to school after spending a couple days at home sick, and they "missed Miss Jessica so MUCH!" So much that I deserve a big hug. Not a side hug. Not a fist bump (which I've attempted to make popular with these young, impressionable children in order to avoid hugs). They want to give me a giant hug *complete* with a kiss on the cheek.
No wonder I'm sick.
So, it hurt to yell, the kids were jumping all over the place, and I was dodging hugs and dealing with crazy traffic. A little duct tape would have been nice. AND, on top of all that, a few girls have decided that they'll start referring to me as "Momma." It was like I was living my worst nightmares.
My only saving grace in all of this madness that I deal with every day, the only reason I wake up at such an inhumane hour to go to work (besides the good money) is the ignorance of these children. I can tell them ANYTHING and they will believe me. Clouds are there to catch you when the Earth's gravity reverses. Santa calls me to see if you're being a good boy or girl. 8,475,902 x 331= whatever number pops into my head, as long as I say it with confidence. I could probably start a cult.
Last week as the kids were getting off the bus, I was saying my usual goodbyes, and I decided to add, "Watch out for the giraffes."
Most of the kids didn't hear me, like they don't hear me when I tell them to sit down or stop throwing that. A few of the older kids gave me a skeptical "you're a weird bus driver" look, but the next morning, one boy got on the bus looking quite disturbed. He asked me about the giraffes (which by then were completely gone from my mind), and told me that he had nightmares about them and was positive they were outside his window while he was trying to sleep. It took everything I had to look concerned and not bust out laughing.
People like me should not be allowed to work with children.
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